When I was kid

Advert (LOL)------>I'm so damn lazy to go home as I need to study about the system for my presentation...but since my mum will go mecca next week so for sure this is the last free week to meet her before her long trip. She will come back on November. It's so long...& I'm gonna miss my mummy.

Now we go to the right topic...When I was kid,  my parent did divorce. It started from my daddy.
P/s: In this case I'm not blaming anybody..I just want to share & let's take the positive points to be such better person in our future :)

I used to have such good time with them...going for the late night supper together..we went to the vacation trip for every single school break..shopping time..& etc..but ever since it happened all of those were gone! Yeah, we still did those things but not that often any longer and of course the feeling was different.

It such a big shock to me. My mom started to be a very bad temper person. I think she's so tense bcuz of my daddy. She couldn't accept any mistake although it such a small one. She used to give such harsh words. She also loved to compare my dad and me..talked about those bad things about him. It's being repeated over..and over till I couldn't accept it any longer. I know it his mistake but I don't think she supposed to keep saying about it. It sort of trying to brain wash. She didn't has to remind me that hard as I know very well how to do the judgement.

I knew she's not the guilty side but since she's doing it overly and keep hurting me with those harsh words, I started to hate her. Seriously..I hate her a lot!. We won't ever in the same way of thinking & kept fighting. As a kid, I was 9 in that time, I couldn't bear with that kind of situation. I hate everything about her.  So the best thing that I could do was to plan how to escape from her + the moody surroundings.

I couldn't solve any problem between her & my dad cuz it's not from me. As a small kid I could do nothing or even now on I still could do nothing..The only thing that came to mind is how to survive..

I need to protect myself from being hurt by the others. When we are talking about broken family, normally the kids will screw up in school to show their rebellion. But that's not happened to my case as all my closest cousins would go the boarding school (special school for those who got straight As) after one big exam when we were 12.  So it's kind of big issue if we didn't get good result in our family. So for sure I didn't want to be in such embarrass in front of them.

I was thinking if "I don't go to the school how could I get the good result. If I don't get the good result how I am going to the boarding school. If I am not there, how I am going to escape from this situation & how I am going to start a new life". I looked to all my closest cousins who made the splendid results in boarding school & went to the public university or went to abroad to study as my main role models.

So I just maintained to make sure my exam's result would be splendid as always. Not to study that hard but I made sure that the result wouldn't go down. As a desperate kid who tried my best to protect my feelings, I really din't want to be like her. I hate her most! So I was thinking to avoid her characters from getting into me. LOL. In that time I realized one thing..as much as I hate to be treated that bad by my mum..so I shouldn't do the same thing to the others.

I am a TV person for 24/7. So while watching those programs..whether drama..or cartoon..I picked the characters that I like. As an example, I hate the serious moody of my mum so I choose the funny character. She seemed so cold too & loved to yell around so it made appealed a lot to the warm person in the drama. But normally a warm person is not funny...so I made a decision to combine those into myself.

As a kid..I felt so unbearable in that time. I supposed to hug my mummy and told her about what happened all day long in  my school time..just like the other kids...but it's too impossible for me to do those..I never hug her in that time! So obviously I never expressed my feelings to her.

I had to do many things of my own which is I needed to control my feelings from being effected of those family problem...protected my feelings from my bad tempered mummy, making the decision for what kind of person should I be...& most important thing to maintain my result.

I didn't know how I could do all those things  when I was so young...9..10..11..12..I did plan everything what should I do for my future. As an example..after I was 12, I would get the boarding school. At 17, I must get another splendid result in order me to qualify to further studies abroad which is.....I wanted to stay there for good. I used to say "Malaysia is not for me". LOLOLOL..So I won't meet my mum any longer and forget all these bitter memories.

I got all the things that I planned except I couldn't get the opportunity to study abroad. I kept asking myself why in that time. But of course I still get the offer from the public universitty. I was still her biggest rival and I think it's getting worse with many other conflicts. But as always no matter what happen in this world I will make sure my studies won't be effected & I will grad successfully.

Obviously, all of these bitter memory made my heart scattered piece by piece.

One  day, I got a dream that she died. the feelings was so damn real. I didn't know what to do in that time! Thanks god it's only a dream. Ever since than I made a big step...to make my relationship much better. I didn't want to be regretted after she dies for real..it's too late. Right after these 10 years I think my scattered heart is ok although it's not that 100%  cure.

Since, I got a very hard memory when I was kid...I have one ambition (wooo..sounds so serious eh as a person who love to make stupid jokes like me)..I want to be such a gud mummy so my future kids won't feel the feelings that I got when I was kid. Their happiness is my main point. I'm not  searching a perfect man but just a fine man who could stand as my husband + best friends to protect me & the kids. I don't want to get marry for 5 or 10 years only..I want it to be forever...

I saw a lot of divorce cases in these days. I think it's so easy to do it that way just like when we couple..we find it couldn't work..so we just break up..Some people used to say that's normal for these days..but how's about the kids feeling. They couldn't grow in such stable emotions & that's the most important moment to determine their path in the future...

No matter in which year..let say : we could assume year 2000 and plus are the millennium years..year 1400 is the ancient days..so kids are kids..the feelings to be a kid is always be the same no matter in which year we live at..So we couldn't say kids in 2012 are fine if their parent are divorced rather than those kids who lived in year 1400!

A person told me divorce is a normal case but I really wish to ask that person "Do you know how's the feeling when your parent divorced?" I know that person very well and that person's parent never did.

Therefore, I wish I could find my Mr right...it's not my sake only..but the most important is he's gonna be the daddy of my kids. I couldn't afford to bring new life in this life & put them in deep sadness. I also couldn't afford to breed the stupid kids which I think most for their future. How to survive..I mean in term of career & etc..eh..what I am rambling out. Forget it.

But for what ever it is one of my biggest hope in this world is I want my family & friends are always happy...
I also feel that bless as my plan to further my studies abroad after I was 17 was not been fulfilled by god or else I'm sure I won't ever come back here..I won't be in good relationship with my mummy which will lead great upset in the future...

God is the Almighty who is the most great planner ever. He always listen to us..When we pray to him he will grant it or He's going to replace our wish to be something better. He knows what's the best for us. Thank you my dear god.

Shut Down...

It such a terrible week! Before this I used to seek something to shake my brain well but I think this time we could call it as TSUNAMI! LOL + sigh~~..yeah..I've got what I want..So to all of you, be careful on what you wish for! Hurm..I was showered with lot of works..bad news---for the presentation & I just got the latest bad news today.

My friend told me that she's going to resign today. It such a big news to me. To be very honest my mood did shut down since that time. I tried to be cool but I don't know whether it looked that way or nope.

She's a nice friend, but obviously no one is perfect in this world. & as I said I never ever expect that my friend is gonna be that super saint or perfect. No one does in this world. To all my friends, just stay the way you are. Every one of you are uniquely your self.

Seriously, I feel that down cuz she's the only person who made me felt good when I was so super new to the office. I was so damn lonely..I kept thinking why I should be shifted to this bank out of sudden when I supposed to go to Standard Chartered..I supposed to be with my other close friends there..the olive & sisters did bully me around with their attitude as they think I just earned my degree in such late (they think I'm super stupid!)..my second liner also didn't give me such welcome to the team when she gave me some nasty look & words for our job's related...no one did...except her...I owe her that much!!

Super thanks to my ex boss(I was working with her for our previous project) + friend..Million of thanks! She told me that she's too tired. Actually I have my own opinion but I'm totally speechless! I think it's fine to express what goes in my mind here as it's a very super duper private blog. There are only 2 friends that know about this blog..but I'm not so sure too whether they read this blog or nope as I didn't tell them.

For me something big happen to her which is so big..makes her feel out of energy..tiresome...99.99% +ve for that. I really want to ask her what happen but I couldn't afford to do so as I couldn't see her in such sad + tears. We were enjoying our lunch so I couldn't let her appetite went away if I asked that question. No way! 

She must be in such broken heart + tears already. So I don't want her to cry more. Hence, the best thing that I could do in that time was I gave her my courage & some info on the things that she plans to do. But seriously, I was so down as I will lost a nice friend. It must be something bad..seriously. I trust my instinct!

I wish I could tell her directly "Just tell me anything..I could be your 2nd shoulder any time..any where..I'm here with you for the laughter & tears..Your secret save with me for ever after!" I wish..but I'm kind of afraid she will feel worse..no...please..no..

I really hope that she could revert her decision..but it's too impossible...I think she needs her own time & space to cool down & ease her mind. I do understand that...as a friend I want the best thing for her..so do to my other friends.

Seriously, I'm so glad to be the second ears if that could ease her burden..it just like when I felt so miserable when I was new..no one gave me comfort except her! I'm not making new friends everyday & easily..but once I make friend..I want it to be forever...no matter how bad the situation is..no matter how millions miles away you are..you are always be my friend & I'm giving you my shoulder to rely on it!

Thank you

It's been a week since the robbery thingy happened to my home. At this point I should say thank you so much to one of my friend 'L' for letting me to stay at her house when I got so phobia to stay there. Thank you so much my dear friend. I feel that bless to have such wonderful friend :)

"How do you you feel of your life now?"

To be very honest I have so many topics to be written here but I got showered with the works which made me so damn tired when I got home. I used to complaint that my previous job is boring as I'm kind of handy with those. So I need something to shake my mind. So I move to the world of COBOL. Seriously, it's really like you are living on earth and suddenly you move to Mars!

I also told this to a friend of mine about how bored I was. She's asking me "How do you you feel of your life now?" LOLOL. I felt so good in that time but now on it turns to be pre hell. I get the heat now..I hope it's only pre for these weeks & everything will be good then..

I don't mind to learn as I really love to do so but I have a lot of things to be done in once. I did explain this in my previous post & today I got a sweet email from the HR that my presentation day is gonna be next week. Seriously, MF! The other batch got one month notification ok! Now , I'm being blessed with those batches..the other projects....& now you are talking about the presentation!. Michinnom (bastard!) LOL + Sigh~~~.

It sounds too ambition to learn the system within 1 week but I'm gonna try my best! errkk...it's easier to say it that way + to spell the words here...rather than doing it....

The sick week + robbery

I could call this week as the sick week as my daddy, & my brother got admitted to the hospital. Besides, 2 friends of mine got so sick too. To all of you, I hope you guys get the medicine on time, rest well & the most important thing get well soon.  I don't want any of my family & friends get sick. When you guys are happy so do I.

As I mentioned in the other post, I was planning to be in the office at 6.45 am. So I woke up at 6 am...I went to my living room & I felt a bit strange as I found out that the sliding door was slightly opened. I did lock that door.

I came to the kitchen and I saw the window for the wet kitchen was being broken! I got so damn shocked & scared if the thief was inside one of the rooms or even in the loo. I live in the 18th floor not 8th floor. I couldn't understand how he could risk his life by jumping from the lift balcony to the wet kitchen for 1 old Sony hand phone & an external hard drive.

My house is being provided with  a plasma tv, 2 CRT tv, microwave & some other things. In the other word there are so many things in my house. So, I'm totally afraid if he plans to come back to get those..The worst part is I was alone when he broke into my home. It so serious to rob but what if he could manage to come to my room & hurt me. I'm so scared....& I think I'm gonna find new home within these days.

No matter how hustler we are in the martial art but we are just normal human. If it's a sudden attack such as when we are sleeping, so we couldn't guarantee that our mind could work very well in such situation. Therefore, I'm considering to avoid rather than to face it.

But there was one funny part. The robber went to my kitchen and got my eid cookies which I supposed to bring it to the office. He also got my McD coke which I bought in the last 3 days. I was about to put it in the fridge but I was so damn lazy to do so. Well, if he get some food poisoning I do definitely know what's the real reason behind. LOL.

I'm so damn sorry

There were lot of things happened for the last whole week. Therefore, I'm gonna make few postings tonight. Let me start with this one. I think I made a wrong deed to my friend. It's not that I made a gossip or doing any back stabbing. Definitely nope! I did something that she hates which I couldn't avoid. In this case, I think I do understand the feeling very very very well!

I'll get mad if I'm in her position too as I have the same perspective. I know the situation....but I couldn't avoid it. Sigh~~..I had to deal a lot with that person which hurt you a lot. Seriously, my heart did bleed well & I wish that person never hurt you before.

I'm so damn sorry my dear friend! I'll try my best.......................................