When I was kid

Advert (LOL)------>I'm so damn lazy to go home as I need to study about the system for my presentation...but since my mum will go mecca next week so for sure this is the last free week to meet her before her long trip. She will come back on November. It's so long...& I'm gonna miss my mummy.

Now we go to the right topic...When I was kid,  my parent did divorce. It started from my daddy.
P/s: In this case I'm not blaming anybody..I just want to share & let's take the positive points to be such better person in our future :)

I used to have such good time with them...going for the late night supper together..we went to the vacation trip for every single school break..shopping time..& etc..but ever since it happened all of those were gone! Yeah, we still did those things but not that often any longer and of course the feeling was different.

It such a big shock to me. My mom started to be a very bad temper person. I think she's so tense bcuz of my daddy. She couldn't accept any mistake although it such a small one. She used to give such harsh words. She also loved to compare my dad and me..talked about those bad things about him. It's being repeated over..and over till I couldn't accept it any longer. I know it his mistake but I don't think she supposed to keep saying about it. It sort of trying to brain wash. She didn't has to remind me that hard as I know very well how to do the judgement.

I knew she's not the guilty side but since she's doing it overly and keep hurting me with those harsh words, I started to hate her. Seriously..I hate her a lot!. We won't ever in the same way of thinking & kept fighting. As a kid, I was 9 in that time, I couldn't bear with that kind of situation. I hate everything about her.  So the best thing that I could do was to plan how to escape from her + the moody surroundings.

I couldn't solve any problem between her & my dad cuz it's not from me. As a small kid I could do nothing or even now on I still could do nothing..The only thing that came to mind is how to survive..

I need to protect myself from being hurt by the others. When we are talking about broken family, normally the kids will screw up in school to show their rebellion. But that's not happened to my case as all my closest cousins would go the boarding school (special school for those who got straight As) after one big exam when we were 12.  So it's kind of big issue if we didn't get good result in our family. So for sure I didn't want to be in such embarrass in front of them.

I was thinking if "I don't go to the school how could I get the good result. If I don't get the good result how I am going to the boarding school. If I am not there, how I am going to escape from this situation & how I am going to start a new life". I looked to all my closest cousins who made the splendid results in boarding school & went to the public university or went to abroad to study as my main role models.

So I just maintained to make sure my exam's result would be splendid as always. Not to study that hard but I made sure that the result wouldn't go down. As a desperate kid who tried my best to protect my feelings, I really din't want to be like her. I hate her most! So I was thinking to avoid her characters from getting into me. LOL. In that time I realized one thing..as much as I hate to be treated that bad by my mum..so I shouldn't do the same thing to the others.

I am a TV person for 24/7. So while watching those programs..whether drama..or cartoon..I picked the characters that I like. As an example, I hate the serious moody of my mum so I choose the funny character. She seemed so cold too & loved to yell around so it made appealed a lot to the warm person in the drama. But normally a warm person is not funny...so I made a decision to combine those into myself.

As a kid..I felt so unbearable in that time. I supposed to hug my mummy and told her about what happened all day long in  my school time..just like the other kids...but it's too impossible for me to do those..I never hug her in that time! So obviously I never expressed my feelings to her.

I had to do many things of my own which is I needed to control my feelings from being effected of those family problem...protected my feelings from my bad tempered mummy, making the decision for what kind of person should I be...& most important thing to maintain my result.

I didn't know how I could do all those things  when I was so young...9..10..11..12..I did plan everything what should I do for my future. As an example..after I was 12, I would get the boarding school. At 17, I must get another splendid result in order me to qualify to further studies abroad which is.....I wanted to stay there for good. I used to say "Malaysia is not for me". LOLOLOL..So I won't meet my mum any longer and forget all these bitter memories.

I got all the things that I planned except I couldn't get the opportunity to study abroad. I kept asking myself why in that time. But of course I still get the offer from the public universitty. I was still her biggest rival and I think it's getting worse with many other conflicts. But as always no matter what happen in this world I will make sure my studies won't be effected & I will grad successfully.

Obviously, all of these bitter memory made my heart scattered piece by piece.

One  day, I got a dream that she died. the feelings was so damn real. I didn't know what to do in that time! Thanks god it's only a dream. Ever since than I made a big step...to make my relationship much better. I didn't want to be regretted after she dies for real..it's too late. Right after these 10 years I think my scattered heart is ok although it's not that 100%  cure.

Since, I got a very hard memory when I was kid...I have one ambition (wooo..sounds so serious eh as a person who love to make stupid jokes like me)..I want to be such a gud mummy so my future kids won't feel the feelings that I got when I was kid. Their happiness is my main point. I'm not  searching a perfect man but just a fine man who could stand as my husband + best friends to protect me & the kids. I don't want to get marry for 5 or 10 years only..I want it to be forever...

I saw a lot of divorce cases in these days. I think it's so easy to do it that way just like when we couple..we find it couldn't work..so we just break up..Some people used to say that's normal for these days..but how's about the kids feeling. They couldn't grow in such stable emotions & that's the most important moment to determine their path in the future...

No matter in which year..let say : we could assume year 2000 and plus are the millennium years..year 1400 is the ancient days..so kids are kids..the feelings to be a kid is always be the same no matter in which year we live at..So we couldn't say kids in 2012 are fine if their parent are divorced rather than those kids who lived in year 1400!

A person told me divorce is a normal case but I really wish to ask that person "Do you know how's the feeling when your parent divorced?" I know that person very well and that person's parent never did.

Therefore, I wish I could find my Mr right...it's not my sake only..but the most important is he's gonna be the daddy of my kids. I couldn't afford to bring new life in this life & put them in deep sadness. I also couldn't afford to breed the stupid kids which I think most for their future. How to survive..I mean in term of career & etc..eh..what I am rambling out. Forget it.

But for what ever it is one of my biggest hope in this world is I want my family & friends are always happy...
I also feel that bless as my plan to further my studies abroad after I was 17 was not been fulfilled by god or else I'm sure I won't ever come back here..I won't be in good relationship with my mummy which will lead great upset in the future...

God is the Almighty who is the most great planner ever. He always listen to us..When we pray to him he will grant it or He's going to replace our wish to be something better. He knows what's the best for us. Thank you my dear god.