Am I so damn stupid?

I don't know where should I begin with. There are too many things stuck inside my heart my but none could be expressed well. sigh~~. I think I'll do many postings from time to time in order to organize the contents of my heart.

Now is July 2012 and that's mean half of the year is gone. Let me do some "audit" to my self. SDLC? I think I should call this as my own life cycle development. I'm chocking. Damn it. LOL. Let's check what did I achieve last year 2011.

1. I'm done with my MA
2. I got the chance to be in the different field in IT which is COBOL.
3. I got A with my thesis.

Well, these are the biggest dreams ever that I could achieve for the year. But how about the things that still pending?

1. To get my "original" size. urgh...damn..damn..Now I'm singing Avrill song. Damn..damn. LOL
2. To get the new MR DRIVER aka in my case the soul mate of the life time.

Now my nose is bleeding with these listings. My RAM is not working now. LOL.

For what ever it is... whether I achieved my dreams or nope I get the consequence. Let me start with the things that I achieved first. It's totally nice to achieve our dreams but..............some times we have to pay with such high price on what we wish for! NOW I'M PAYING THE PRICE IN EVERY SINGLE DIME.

I don't know whether I am stupid or what when I chose to further the Master degree rather than choosing an offer to send me abroad for wider task in every six months. Getting nice flight..nice hotel & those perks. I was in one of arab bank.

I was so excited to further my studies as I want to do the "redemption" and obviously I was so excited as well for the offer. Both of them are such dream in a life time.
It's fine enough if I could stay in the certain countries for a long time. As an example if they let me stay in US for 2 years. Hence I could further my studies in the same. Shooting 2 birds with one stone.

But....I asked them on do they offer a post grad program? The answer was YES but it only for managers level only. Come on I'm gonna be too old to earn the master degree if I say yes to them. Besides, it's not easy at all to get the place for master degree program in the public university. It's bcuz they are so strict with the quality instead of those private school. It's not that we could apply happily to the course but we have to get the approval from the academician that could evaluate our grade & 1 other external panel that could judge on our works.

The worst part is we could not ask randomly. They must know us very very well for years and they must be recognizable. I was in half breathe when I filled in the forms. So it's totally not a good idea to decline the offer.

I was thinking I'll be back for them after I complete my studies.

To be very honest I love my post grad time. I learnt a lot & I realized that we could be at our best to create something new only if we understand well with the basic concept. One of my lecturer reminded us on the prophet word saying that the best human alive is anyone that doing something that could ease the others. As many as you could. My ex Prime Minister also reminded us "don't be a follower, be an inventor". My other lecturers also did courage us with the same thing.

So from that moment I wanted to do something that relate to many people which I mean I could contribute the goodness for them. The most important thing I'm doing something that is so important to many people not only to one company. Besides, I was too bored with my job which was in graphic design, & website development. Maybe I got used to those jobs so I felt it's a bit easy & handy to deal with those website thingy and web server. I need something to shake my brain.

One day after I sent the thesis, I did search around for the jobs that I like. Of course the jobs that relate to many people + GLAMOUR! lololol. I think the glamour symptom is being stuck to me since I was kid. Now I'm damn old enough but I still could not overcome with it.

I got one from BP in doing SAP. The salary is so nice especially after 2 years experience. I could earn more than 15K per month whether in MYR or USD. It depends on which oil gas company that we are working for.  But when I searched about the job prospect, the money is so sweet but the task is much more sweet!

Normally they will work till around 3 or 4 am. Could you imagine that? If I am a man of course I'm so happy to grab it. But I am a woman. A normal woman who wants to get marry with my soul mate one day. & of course to be a mummy. One of my ambition in my life time is to be a good mummy to my kids. It sounds funny. ahahha. But I stick with it.

If I'm working that way how could I be a good wife + mummy in the future? (although I still don't have any candidate yet at the moment. LOL. So I did skip with the idea of SAP.

Then I moved to the banks for the management trainee. Normally we could be a bank manager right after 1 & half year or 2 years program. I went for the exams & those things. But I was thinking I still love the technical side + I know nothing about banking technical transaction (the programmer job for this side). For me a manager is a top position which play such important role there.

If I join them I will know nothing about these tedious technical works. Well, I will know about bank's UAT..SIT..and sort of. But how it works? The codes? I don't want to know for it's acronym only. UAT = User acceptance Testing & do the management job. No way. I need to know at least 80% on what I am doing.

So I made up my mind let me start from beginning although I had many easier choices which were SAP, bank project management, researcher & being a lecturer. All of them pay really well!

Am I that damn stupid to say no to them? sigh. Now I got my dream but to be very honest it so damn pain. I do love my job that much but sometimes I have a bit regret feeling. The only thing that really bother me is I have to re learn from the very beginning. I have to start from zero! I have to ask many people.........urghhhhh! It's soooooooooooo hard!

Sometimes I was thinking from where that I got this stupid guts to start from the very beginning and leave those nice things?? But when I think if I am not here I won't ever have the chance to get know few nice persons and few persons that I could call as "I don't have any intention to be your friend".
Well I think I'm gonna stop here now and do the other postings some other day especially about the "I don't have any intention to be your friend". It's too late. I have to go early tomorrow as that's the last day of this week for me. I'm gonna have my break from friday till monday. So I must make sure that my job is done.

Am I so stupid? Sigh~~